I Hate Ads

This page is dedicated to all the stupid advertising I see and/or hear.

Problems with math:

A man fills his car with gas, then goes to the attendant to pay. The attendant doesn’t ask for money, instead she says that the cost of the gas will be “the shirt off your back”. Hey, fine with me. I would gladly give a gas attendant the $12 shirt off my back in exchange for a full tank of gasoline ($35 otherwise). Do your math people!

Geographical confusion with advertisers:

KENTUCKY Fried Chicken, who opened its first restaurant in UTAH plays “Sweet Home ALABAMA” during commercials.

The infamous AMERICAN Express card has a picture of a SPARTAN on it. Should it be Spartan Express?

Verizon: You have finally taken the “can you hear me now?” thing to a point that it’s actually hurting you. The new Verizon campaign shows everyday people starting off as the Verizon crew in different situations. Once the situation changes to one that needs a phone call to be made, they switch to the “real” people that are making the call. The problem is, the switch is made between the “can you hear me now?” and “good” moments. This implies that it’s the real person making the call all along, and it’s a real call that’s being made, NOT a ‘test’ call to see if there’s good reception in that area. The only reason you would say “can you hear me now?” during a real phone call is because the service broke up in the middle, which means the wireless reception is crappy. Nice try guys.

Burger King has a new “I-suck-at-math” radio ad. Basically, the ad goes like this:

Boss: “Welcome to the team Toby, I hope you enjoy your new job!”

Toby: “I quit. Can I get paid now?”

Boss: “For all five seconds?”

Toby: “Yup.”

Boss: “You’ve made maybe two bucks.”

Toby: “Yeah. At Burger King you can buy the Super Fantastic Burger for two bucks…”

Does anybody else see the problem here? Let’s do a little math. If he got paid two bucks for five seconds, that’s $40 a minute, which is $2,400 an hour. So this guy got a job that pays $4,992,000 a year just so he could immediately quit and go and get himself a burger. So, basically, this is what Burger King is trying to say: “Our customers are idiots.”

Toyota has been running an ad campaign called ‘the Toyotathon Phenomenon’. It shows people who want to upgrade their vehicles to Toyotas. The commercials imply that they actually need a reason to get a Toyota, other than just wanting one. So the gist is… they destroy their current vehicles. One family pushes a large boulder over a cliff and onto their SUV. One guy pushes his vehicle over the side of a parking structure. A crane operator drops a large I-beam on his (obvious) Chevy truck. Wow. That’s a pretty extreme way to convince yourself to buy a new Toyota. But here’s the flaw: couldn’t you just trade the car in to the Toyota dealership instead of destroying it? Or sell the thing on your own? In some dark way, they are telling you to take a third option. The only reason to destroy your old vehicle instead of trading it in or selling it is because you could get more out of the insurance money. So here is what Toyota is telling you: “You really need a new Toyota. Feel free to commit insurance fraud to get one.”

Once again a drug company has come up with some really stupid advertising. This time, it is the name of the drug that kills me: Aciphex (pronounced “ass-effects”). It is a drug that’s supposed to help with acid reflux. Maybe it would have been better to bill it as a hemorrhoid cream.

Some pet supply company has been doing one of the stupidest advertising campaigns I have ever seen. They sell kitty litter. This particular kitty litter is supposed to reduce or eliminate pet odors so well, your CAT can’t even smell it. To that end, the cat can’t FIND the litter box. In one commercial, it has the cat hiring a bloodhound to help ’sniff out’ the litter box. Why, oh why wouldn’t you want your cat to find its own litter box? Does this company sincerely want pet owners to think that it’s a good idea to have the cat crapping all over the house because it can’t find the litter box? Jeez.

Victoria’s Secret: You claim to have “reinvented the bra”. Well, other than a few frilly changes, I don’t see enough of a difference to call the thing “reinvented”. Sure, I’m not a woman, so I have no idea if there’s a different ‘feel’ to the thing; but I am rather pudgy and could probably stand to wear about a B-cup. I digress. This is not a reinvention. To reinvent something, you need to change it enough so that it functions differently. For example: take off the straps that go over the shoulder and replace it with one wide strap that goes from the back of the bra, up and over the head, and attaches right to the middle-front of the bra. That is a re-invention!

There was an advertisement on the radio for a local car dealership, one of many owned by a certain wealthy Utah professional sports team owner. This ad actually said that, if we acted now, we could save up to $10,500 on a vehicle. Seriously? To paraphrase the ad: “Every other day of the year we are ripping you off more than you can imagine!”

I heard an advertisement on the radio a while back for a skin-care product that touted: “Results are guaranteed”. Can’t argue with their logic. I mean, anything could be considered a result. If, after using this product, your face burst into flames and melted from your skull, that’s a result. If absolutely nothing happens at all, that’s a result. The ad might as well have said, “We guarantee that something will happen, or not.”

A diamond is forever. So will your credit card payments be.

Above the influence anti-drug commercials: These commercials try to show how lame people are for smoking marijuana. They do this by showing us horrible animation and playing stupid music. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, click here to watch one of them. What is the deal? I can only imagine the board meeting:

“Hey folks, we need to make a series of commercials that let the pot smokers realize how stupid they are. All of the commercials must be animated by seven-year-olds. Your budget is nine dollars.”

Cell phone companies: What’s the deal with parents buying cell phones for their kids, then catering to their every want and desire? If my kid had a cell phone and went over on minutes or text messaging, or if their talking or texting affected their grades in any way, I would yank the phone out of their greedy little paws and fling it up against the wall as hard as my overweight, muscle-atrophied arms could fling.

Razor blade manufacturers: Five blades in one razor is too many. Are you trying to kill us?

Hey credit card companies: Stop making it sound like one of the most wonderful things in the world is getting up to your ass in debt. And if you’re going to make a point that the other guy’s credit card doesn’t give you the same frequent flier miles, or that you can’t cash in those miles except during certain times of year, don’t flash a microsecond of a tiny disclaimer at the bottom of the screen stating that your card doesn’t offer any better frequent flier miles or variety on travel times. We see it.

Inventors: Your products aren’t that good. I’ve never seen anybody - not even small children - that have as much trouble flipping a pancake or washing a window as the ‘before’ people in your television commercials. Buying an invention that will magically flip your eggs and pancakes will do nothing more than waste your money. If you have as much trouble turning your breakfast foods as the people in your commercials, these inventions won’t help you; in fact, you should probably not be allowed anywhere near an open flame.

Billboards are not movie screens. If you plan on using a single billboard to display ‘progressive’ signs that somehow lead up to a fancy and creative advertising concept, please go home and look for a new job as a janitor or something. There’s nothing that pisses me off quite as much as driving down the road and seeing a huge billboard with a single word like ‘Think’ on it. Think what? How much money you just wasted renting out that space? Then a month down the road you’ll add another clever word until finally the public might realize what the hell you’re talking about a year or two later. This does nothing but frustrate drivers, and is probably solely responsible for the road-rage epidemic in America. Vague advertisements are not clever. Come out and tell us what you’re selling, how much it costs, and how it could possibly benefit me to buy it. Then I can read the sign and make my buying decision in less than 5 seconds.

Hello again credit card companies: Cash back bonuses are only good for people who can pay off their entire balance every month. I can’t believe the commercials I see where the narrator announces that some average American housewife has saved up $180 in cash back bonuses on her credit card buying groceries for her boys. $180?? Are you kidding me? Aren’t cash back bonuses usually 1 percent? So this lady would have to spend $18,000 on groceries for her children? If this were a yearly amount, she would have to spend $1,500 per month just on food alone. Is she raising elephants?

Side rant: To the people who made the movie The Transporter: Thank you, thank you, thank you! for not putting in that ‘deflect a missile with a serving dish’ shot that showed up in your trailer. It almost made the show worth watching!

Anti-tobacco companies: Thank you for trying to keep kids off of cigarettes. But stop trying to portray smokers as stupid, evil, untrustworthy villains that have no sense of smell, taste or what’s right. I have known many smokers for many years. Some of them were of average intelligence, and some of them were of extremely high intelligence. I’ve also known many smokers who have quit (including myself) and their capacity for reasoning and problem-solving skills didn’t miraculously jump through the roof the instant they stopped smoking. Nor did women start throwing themselves at us or did anyone make any single comment other than, “good for you.”

Carls Jr.: I have never had anything at your restaurants that was messy. It didn’t get all over the place. It barely dribbled out the side of my mouth. Your commercials are disgusting. It’s no wonder the children of our country have no manners. I’ve never had anything at a Carls Jr. that didn’t taste exactly like cold Burger King.

Internet using public: You don’t have to subscribe to AOL in order to use instant messaging, email, or get onto WebMD. As much as this greedy company would like you to think that they are the only ones that provide these services, it’s just not true. You can save yourself a quick $5 or more per month if you just get a standard dialup internet account. If you want to use AOL Instant Messenger, simply go to ‘www.aol.com’ and follow the links to their instant messenger download. It’s free to everyone, no matter what dialup company you use. If you wish to use WebMD, just type ‘www.webmd.com’ in your browser window and there you are. Or if you would rather pay the extra monthly fees in order to get buggy, proprietary software that has flashy sound files telling you when you have new email, knock yourselves out.

Makers of cleaning products: Don’t think that we don’t see that one little tiny speck of bacteria left over after your product whisks the grime away while viewed under a powerful (computer generated) microscope image. Also, I’m sick of cleaning companies (and others) that think we’re automatically going to take your ’scientific evidence’ as gospel just because there’s a computer graphic showing how your product is supposed to work. “Wow, those little bubbles just swept in and absorbed those little clouds of odor! Then the bubbles carried the odor clouds away!” What a crock of shit.

Car companies: There’s no need to put that disclaimer at the bottom of your commercials that says, “Professional driver on a closed course.” Most adults would never try anything like that, and teenagers are going to do it no matter what. I’ll give you points for trying to cover your own ass, though.

Kudo rant: To the makers of NyQuil (Vicks). I bought a bottle of NyQuil that said ‘NEW!’ on the label. I tried it, and IT DIDN’T SUCK! In fact, as far as medicine goes, it was rather pleasant. It didn’t even leave that nasty-assed ‘earwax’ taste that the old and sucky version used to have. Thank you for making a new and improved version of a product that is actually new and improved. Note: it’s the cherry flavor kind, and the taste is the only thing that improved. It did help my cough, but not as much as I would have liked.

Dental hygiene commercials: Why do you think it’s so impressive to state that a certain toothbrush or toothpaste is ‘what dentists recommend’? Is everyone rushing out to buy what dentists tell us to buy because it will make our teeth healthier? Think about this: If everyone in America suddenly had perfect teeth, every dentist would be out of a job. The business of medicine in this country is to make money. The only way to make money is by having sick people and charging them up the yanger to ‘cure’ them. Dentists don’t want you to have good teeth anymore than plumbers don’t want your pipes to freeze up during the winter.

I would be willing to pay an extra $1 for a movie ticket if it would keep those damn product commercials out of the previews.

Television manufacturers: It does no good to have a television commercial that shows the wonderful picture on your new product. Those who need your product the most won’t be able to tell how good it is because their picture will still suck.

Pharmaceutical companies: How logical is it to advertise a medicine that has side-effects that are worse than the symptoms it cures? “You won’t be sniffling any more, but you will have severe headaches, stomach pains, and possible bleeding from the rectum. Also, your scrotum will shrivel up to the size of a peach pit. If you don’t have a scrotum, you’ll grow one…”

Old Navy: Fire your entire advertising department.

Polariod: It is now legal in this country to have more than one commercial for your product.

1-800-COLLECT: It may be better to have no-names in your commercials than Alf and Hulk Hogan. Ditto for Carrot Top (you know who you are.)

Verizon: Your “can you hear me now” guy has obviously never been anywhere near my house, or a dozen other places around my home town that have absolutely no wireless coverage.

Truck companies: Your trucks will never, ever in a million years look powerful in comparison to a VTOL jet.

Boston Market: Your ad says to “Preheat oven to 0 degrees”. I can’t think of many ovens that can achieve this temperature. The appliance you are referring to is called a “freezer”.

Teeth Freaks: What is this sudden craze for white teeth? It’s not even good enough to have white teeth anymore; your teeth have to be “sparkling white” or “whiter than white”. Pretty soon people aren’t going to be satisfied with the whiteness of their teeth unless their smile can blind airline pilots cruising at 35,000 feet. Our friggin teeth are white enough!

Burger King: Your “king” costume is really, really freaky. I wouldn’t let my children within a thousand feet of one of these constumes, and I don’t even have kids yet! Did someone accidently hire Charles Manson into your advertising department?

Ditech.com: Part of your commercials feature a “small print” disclaimer that takes up one half of the entire screen! Thank GOD you give the consumer a whopping 3 seconds to get out of the easy chair, find a magnifying glass, kneel down in front of the television, and read whatever it says. I don’t have to use my Tivo to pause this frame and actually read the disclaimer to know that it basically says: “We are thieves”.